A Walk to Remember - Preparation

So tomorrow is one of my new norm favorites.  It is the day that CrossHeart Ministries hold it's annual Walk to Remember in celebration of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  As hard and as sad as it is that I have to be a part of this month and this day, it is an awesome day to celebrate the LIFE of my stillborn, but STILL BORN son, John Preston.  Getting ready for (as a CHM board member) and looking forward to (as a Mommy to an Angel) this event, and then participating in the event as a mommy is totally worth the major emotional and physical exhaustion that will follow.  But I will go every year for the rest of my life and be completely willing to suffer the consequences. 

Here is a picture of our t-shirt.

I can't wait.  My husband and I are going to lead the walk for John Preston.  We will walk around the lake twice.  Then we will release a balloon for him, along with 63 other parents of angel babies.  We will be with people who understand us and our loss and our never ending pain and none of them will be uncomfortable or awkward and everyone will say John Preston's name without pause and no one will look at us like we have the plague.  We will be in a situation in which for once we will be 'normal'.

Thank you Ronald Reagan for proclaiming this a National Day of Awareness.  Thank you CrossHeart Ministries for hosting this event. 
Thank you Robin Cross for finding me and throwing me the life saver that is CrossHeart Ministries. 
Thank you Jimmy Ray Sloan for giving me the greatest gifts you could give me - your love and our son, John Preston.
Thank you God for all of it.

CrossHeart Ministries Second Annual Walk to Remember
Johnson Park in Collierville, TN
October 8, 2011 from 10:00am - Noon

So, about my mom...

So I always tell the story of John Preston in the following manner:

Losing my son is most horrible thing that ever happened to me.  I have had such a blessed life, a great family, a great support system growing up, a great church and youth group, a great husband, great in-laws.  My life has been really good...oh except for my mom dying when I was 15.

THAT is why my therapist says I treat my mom's death as a side note in my life.

But since John Preston died alot of the emotions that I didn't feel at the time have surfaced.  So here is the story.

When I was 12, my dad took a 2-year contract job in Saudia Arabia.  He was there for about a year when my mom started having some stomach pains.  He came home for a week in 1982 thinking he was going with her for some tests, but when they went in the doctor simply said "You need to stay home. Don't go back."  She was diagnosed with colon cancer and given 3 months to live.  I fell apart that night.  She and my dad decided that they were going to try anything and everything so she put herself in a program for testing methods. 

The doctors put a pump in her side that shot out chemo every hour or so.  That didn't work.  Except that every time we went to the mall it set off the sensors and she had to get out her little paper and show the mall cops.

Then daddy took her to a specialist in Germany under the guise of a European vacation for the family.  That didn't work, but we had a wonderful time and made memories that will never be forgotten.

Then she did regular chemo and radiation.  That didn't work, but after she lost all her hair it grew back twice as thick and twice as curly and gorgeous.

Daddy got a job at FedEx and mom had great insurance. 

On Monday, July 30, 1984 mom went in for a regular check up.  While she was there her veins collapsed.  By Tuesday, July 31 she was in a coma.  Thursday, August 2, 1994 she quietly passed away while my daddy, sister, brother and I stood around her bed singing to her.  10 minutes after she died, her parents, my grandparents stepped off the elevator at the hospital.  My grandmother never spoke another word or at another bite.

Barely 2 weeks later on Wed, August 14, my grandparents were hit by a car crossing the street on their way home from church.  My granddaddy's leg was broken, but my grandmother sustained severe head trauma.  Exactly 2 weeks after my mother died, my grandmother died from that head injury. 

My mother donated her body to science so we didn't have a funeral, but instead had a memorial service in Memphis, TN and then another in Knoxville, TN at the church where my parents had attended church for the 20 years previous to the 6 we had lived in Memphis before she died.

Apparently my parents didn't read the fine print in the contract with UT Medical Services, because in January of 1985, my dad received a call telling him that they were done with my mother's body and he could come pick her up.  Talk about shock.  My dad couldn't even comprehend it, and so my Uncle Leon (my mother's brother) took care of her.  My dad didn't tell us about it at the time.  It had only been a few months, things were just settling back to normal (or the new normal for us) and he felt like he should give us some time.  The longer he waited the harder it got to bring it up and tell us.

So at our family Christmas get together in January of 2010, 1 year and 5months after John Preston died, my dad told us that our mother was buried in a plot at Historic Elmwood Cemetary in Memphis in the section dedicated to people who had done as my mother had done, and what my father still plans to do.

I am not sure how my brother and sister felt about it, but it was a good day for me.  I thought he made the right decision to not tell us at the time - especially me, as I was only 15, a teenager with enough normal problems in addition to my mom being dead, to also have to imagine all of that.  Maybe he shouldn't have waited 26 years.  But also, I was glad to know there was a place to go where I could honor my mom, and have a place to go and spend quiet time dedicated just to her.  It was quite a shock though.

So for the past 2 Mother's Days I have spent the day at my mother's grave and my son's grave.  It's a little rough.  One of the things I say to whoever will listen is that I didn't get to have a mom, and I don't get to be a mom.  Those are the days that I get angry and bitter.

Mother's Day 2011 with John Preston

Mother's Day 2010 with my mother, the first in 26 years.

But then, again, I realize how blessed my life has been up until the loss of John Preston - with the exception of my mom dying of course.

Part 3 of 3 of an awesome October 2, 2011

So although this day has had some hard moments, it has mostly been filled with joy.  And it just keeps getting better.  We went to the zoo - and of course Brad paid for ALL of us to get into the zoo cause he is just awesome like that.  (Jimmy Ray paid for breakfast, Glenna paid for lunch, Brad paid for gas and zoo, Glenna paid for dinner, JR paid for coffee.  It was a Battle of the Payers.  I of course got away scott free!!!)  Anyway, we had the best time.  We ate greasy burgers and corn dogs for lunch.  Then we went into the "animals of the night" exhibit - awch! It stunk, but was still pretty cool.  I thought for sure I'd have nightmares.  We saw the polar bears, the alligators, the monkeys, the gorillas...

(A baby started crying while we were sitting there watching this female silver back.  When she heard the baby she started making cooing noises similiar to what human women make for their own babies.  It was sweet / surreal / freaky.)










...the zebras, the giraffes (including a baby one!), the lions...

(She was lying down and then all of a sudden got up and hopped up on the log like she heard or saw something excited.  I am glad she wasn't looking at me!) 



...and the coolest experience for me ever at a zoo was when we saw the grizzly bears.



Yes, that is a real, live, grizzly bear.  No, there is no glass between me and the bear.  No, this is not a telephoto lens.  Yes, that is a real live grizzly bear less than 3 feet from my EYE.  Coolest picture I will probably ever take!

We ended the day with a ridiculously yummy dinner at Colton's steakhouse.  Then we came back to our house, hung out for awhile and then Glenna and Brad hit the road at 9:30pm!

I cried as they rode out the driveway, but it was so worth it and we had the best time.  It was a much needed break from the heaviness that had been my heart this past week.  My sister is the second greatest person on earth (the first being Jimmy Ray, of course).  We always have so much fun with them as couples. 

What an awesome awesome fun bittersweet exciting hilarious weekend!  Thanks Brad and Glenna for driving up for the day to be with us.  Thanks Jimmy Ray for taking a RARE day off to spend with me and my favorite people.

Part 2 of 3 of an awesome October 2, 2011 ...

After visiting John Preston, we went to mid-town and ate lunch at a cool, funky, yummy eatery called 'Cafe Eclectic' which has an awesome brunch on Sundays.  I highly recommend it!!!! 

Then we all went to visit my mom's gravesite at Elmwood Cemetary (currently the website is all about halloween, but it is a beautiful and historic cemetary).  I have been several times so it doesn't really get to me as much (plus, as my therapist says, I sometimes refer to my mother's death as a 'side note' in my life...but that is a whole nother post!).  But it was very emotional for my sister.  I think especially with all the changes going on in her life - she's fixing to get married, Ryan is fixing to get married, Megan is zooming through college, etc.  But anyway, it was a bittersweet and terribly beautiful visit.

Glenna and Brad with the flowers we brought.

Me and my sister.

The beautiful live roses that Glenna and Brad brought.

The flowers Jimmy Ray and I bought along with the roses.

 After this we headed to the zoo!

Part 1 of 3 of an awesome October 2, 2011...

My sister (Glenna, who will someday have a whole entire post written about her) and her fiance (Brad, who is the most awesome thing for her, and who I adore!) were here this past Sunday AND Jimmy Ray got to take off almost the whole day to spend with us!

First we went to visit John Preston. They surprised me with the cutest gift for him, and we stayed for a nice little visit! 

Here is Aunt Glenna and soon-to-be-Uncle Brad with JP.

I don't know if you can see it or not, but the flowers are in a little orange pumpkin shaped pot that has an aqua blue flower with an aqua blue ribbon with orange polka dots.

The little blue cross was given to John Preston on his third birthday by my awesome friend Ashley, and the little cow is from me and Jimmy Ray on this visit. It's a mama cow.

My only eartly connection :(  but it's such a joy to have visitors there!

And of course, Mommy and Daddy.  We love you John Preston!

Retail Therapy and Fun...necessities of life.

So last week was a really hard week.  I got angry, bitter, morose, sad and felt sorry for myself.

THEN...

I went shopping and bought 8 new skirts, 3 shirts, a pair of rollerblades (NOT for me), and a pair of shoes for $40 (yes that is less than $3 per items - including 2 Talbot items, both for less than $1.50 - with the tags still on) at my favorite thrift store with my friend Jamie and her daughter Jillian.  Then I ordered and received a $300 color printer, fax, scanner and copier for FREE.  Then I got to go to Hobby Lobby and buy stuff to make a friend a bracelet, some things to take up to John Preston's grave site and some flowers to take to my mother's grave site. Then Jimmy Ray and I went to Walmart and shopped just for fun.  Didn't buy a whole lot, but just the act of shopping and buying works for me!

Getting to spend time with Jamie is always fun and crazy.  She is one of those precious few friends who will talk about John Preston, say his name, ask me about my memories.  She will even talk with me about they day we found out that he was no longer alive and all of the details (and I mean ALL...achk) from the 24 hours I was in the hospital.

And of course, anytime Jimmy Ray and I can go do something together is precious to me.  As a dairy farmer, he isn't around as much as the average working bear.  I think part of why our relationship is so strong is that because we know the time we have together is limited and we make the most of it.  We don't see each other from 5pm on every weekday evening, we don't spend the whole day together on Sat and Sun.  I see him for about 2 hours every day, maybe 6 on Sat and Sun - and only then if they aren't planting or harvesting beans and corn, hauling silage (corn chopped up for feed), cutting hay or fixing equipment bigger than my house.

And today, my sister and her fiance are coming into town to hang out with us and Jimmy Ray is taking most of the day off and we are going to visit John Preston, visit my mom's site, eat brunch in midtown and go to the zoo!

So instead of blogging this week, I have been shopping, playing and living.  All of those things are amazingly helpful at healing (or possibly just postponing) some of the pain.  But either way, at the very least, they are a great way to get a break from myself!