Better, not bitter, not best.

I am inconsolably sad today and tonight.  I wish I wasn't.  There is so much new and exciting and good in my life.  Sometimes I feel sooo guilty about being sad about John Preston and about being childless.  But I was talking to my friend Suzanne the other and she was pointing out that God made women to have babies.  I mentioned this in my "The Sharp Knife of a Short Life" post.  So this longing that I have won't ever go away because it will never be fulfilled.  I miss my son so much.  But I miss, maybe even more, what will never be.  I will never know what it is to feel a baby kicking in my stomach.  I will never know what it is like to have my water break in a restaurant.  I will never know what is like to give birth.  I will never know what it is to love someone so much I would give my life for them.  I will never know what it is like to hold a baby that my husband and I made in love and that is literally a part of me.  I will never know what it is like to have a baby shower, to buy baby furniture or pick out car seats and use that gun thingy at Target to pick out the clothes and bottles and blankets and booties, to see my husband cry when he holds his living, breathing son in his arms.  It will always hurt when I someone anounces their pregnancy, I will always hurt when I see a pregnant woman, it will always hurt when I see a new born baby.  It will always hurt when I am the only one at the table, in the car, at the gathering who isn't able to join in the conversation because I don't have a child to be proud of, complain about, brag on or roll my eyes about.  I will never be in the club.

When you look forward in your life and see that emptiness, and know that it will never go away, it is so hard to get up in the morning, to smile, to function, to even care about doing any of that.  I just wanted to have a baby like everyone else.  I will never understand why that had to be the way it is.

I guarantee that it would be the first question I ask Jesus if I was able to talk to before dying.  I have to believe that once I die and am in heaven it won't matter why anymore.  But I just wish, He would send me a letter and explain it.

Better today...

I am still sad beyond measure today.

But this morning on the way to work, there was this huge traffic jam.  It turned out to be some horrible awful wreck.  I started thinking about yesterday's post, and I had the craziest thought.  If I die in an accident today, people who read my blog are going to think I died a bitter woman.

I am not a bitter woman.  I have an awesome life.  So please know that if I bite it before my next post, I died happy.

To quote my friend Molly - it's been a bitter kind of day...

As if it isn't hard enough that I have to be around pregnant women all the time, as if it isn't enough that I will never be one of those, as if it isn't hard enough to listen to people talk about trying to get pregnant...i had to witness someone's water breaking tonight.  I am not mad at her.  I don't blame her or hold it against her.  I hold it against the universe, and yes sometimes I hold it against God.  Okay, so I get the whole intentional will, circumstantial will and ultimate will.  But seriously, he doesn't have enough control to have done a little and push her water breaking back 20 minutes when I would have been gone? 

I try not to be bitter.  I know 2 or 3 old women who are bitter, 2 of them are bitter against children because they never had any.  I don't want to be those women.  I want to be a nice old lady who likes kids and bakes cookied for them.

But this kind of thing makes it really really really hard.  God, give me a frickin' break.  Quit rubbing it in.  I just hate it all the time.  It's hard enough to have lost my son, that pain will never go away but lessens with time.  The fact that I will never have another child will NEVER lessen.  It will NEVER go away.  It will NEVER get better.  Every time I see a pregnant woman, a baby or someone's water breaking it breaks my heart.  Every single time. 

It's hole in my heart the size of Texas.  No the size of Alaska.  Nothing will ever fill it up.  I am so angry and hurt and sad and hurting right now.

I understand this isn't a positive or pleasant post.  If you want to judge me or preach at me, don't post it.  I don't care right now.  Tomorrow I will be fine probably.  Tomorrow I will be positive probably.  But let me grieve in my way for this post.

The Sharp Knife of a Short Life...

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life.

I couldn't believe it when I heard those words pop out of a song that I had been listening to for 2 years.  I had sung along with it a hundred times, and never once actually HEARD the words.

It's comforting, heartbreaking, anger-inducing, and completely accurate.

I think that when you lose a child (and I repeat, regardless of when..2 weeks along in your pregancy, at 2 years or 20 years old), the best description of the feeling would be that someone has cut our you heart, lungs, and will to live with a very dull and very dirty knife.

I remember days when I thought I cdouldn't get any air in my lungs.  Like a panic attack, without the panic.  I just couldn't seem to miss my child, think about life without him and breathe all at the same time.  It was too overwhelming.  I remember days when I thought my heart would either stop beating because it hurt - physically hurt - so badly in my chest or beat right of my chest because when I cried it would feel like it was beating 500 beats per minute.  I remember days when I thought "I just wish it would stop beating".  I would NEVER kill myself...I am too afraid of hurting Jimmy Ray, of dying period, or of missing out on something here on earth.  But if my heart just stopped beating on its own...  I remember days when I thought "What's the purpose?".  Man (especially woMAN) was put here on earth to procreate.  That is what a woman's boby is MADE to do, it's WHAT we do.  So what did I have to look forward to?  What did I strive for?  What do I do with my life now?

I think that I have found those answers in CrossHeart Ministries.  But that is now.

Back in 2008 and through most of 2009, I didn't think there were answers.  I was completely hopeless.  My whole body hurt with longing for my baby boy.  Every single thing about babies and children made me cry - the motorized mini-Jeep at Wal-mart, the cowboy decor at Hobby Lobby, the baby clothes at Target, the Children's Tylenol at Kroger, and even my niece's highschool graduation.  I would never get to buy those things or experience those things.  I would never celebrate a child's first steps, graduation, wedding or the birth of their children. 

Jimmy Ray and I traded in our much-loved truck for an SUV to save money on gas and to have a car that was more car-seat friendly.  I HATE that SUV now.  The week before we found out John Preston was gone, we went on a celebratory, last-time-as-a-couple vacation trip.  I CAN'T and WON'T look at pictures from that trip.  We looked at cribs and baby clothes and strollers and all the cool things that people with babies buy that were new to us.  I will go all the way around the entire store at Target or Wal-mart or anywhere to miss the baby section.  And all of that is still today, over 3 years later!!!


But I think about that rainbow that I took a picture of last week and believe that John Preston is shining down one me.  I know that he is safe in the arms of Jesus.  And those things give me peace and comfort. 

Most of the time.

But life ain't always what you think it ought to be...especially when you experience the sharp knife of such a short, tiny life.