Terribly Beautiful...

I attended 'Chrysilis' (sp?) at Leawood Baptist Church today with Robin.  It was a ladies' day with a speaker, singing, lunch and information and craft booths.  They graciously allowed us to set up a booth for CrossHeart MInistries, and we were able to share our ministry with some very sweet and compassionate women.  Someone was talking about the birth of their sleeping baby and saying that that day was the best and worst day of their lives.  And that phrase just popped in my head.  It is so totally and absolutely and perfectly descriptive of that day.  Terribly beautiful.

What a great morning we had visiting with these ladies!  Thank you Leawood for inviting us and allowing us to share out stories.

A Rainforest Kind of Day...

Some days are desert (bad) days and some days are rainforest (good) days.  Today has been a rainforest kind of day.  I got to visit with 2 old friends and made 2 new connections.  All of the conversations seemed to center around CrossHeart Ministries (CHM) and it made me realize (duh) that CHM has really become the second biggest part of my life (the first being my red-neck knight! See right...cool pic huh?).  Anyway.  So today was good, and I am always thankful for these days.  They come more and more.

I have never fully believed the saying that something good always come out of something bad.  But one thing that is discussed in our support group, my sessions with my therapist, books about grief, etc. is PRODUCTIVE grieving.  I'm going to try to explain what that means.  It is the opposite of stagnant grieving.  It doesn't mean to get over, through or past your grief.  I think it means MAKING something good out of something bad.  Good doesn't naturally come out of bad.  Watching the image of my son lying perfectly still on the ultrasound, and listening to the complete silence of his non-existent heartbeat was BAD.  Nothing good naturally came out of that.  Only horror and sorrow and loss and desperation and complete and total annihilation of a dream. 

For instance, roses don't naturally grow out of fresh cow #%$*.  Cow #$%* that is mixed with other ingredients, processed and scattered on soil does encourage growth of roses - but it takes WORK.  It isn't NATURAL.  So it is my choice if I want to have productive grief.  I could choose to become a neo-natel nurse, I could choose to become a scientist and figure out  how to avoid miscarriages and stillbirth and infant death, or I could choose to share my story with others so they know they aren't alone.  So I choose to do that.  I choose to use my creativity, my overflow of feelings, my story to try to help others in my situation.

I choose to take the horror and sorrow and loss and desperation and complete and total annihilation of my dream... I choose to use the LOVE OF MY SON to do something productive.

Please - BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY IT THAT IT WASN'T ALWAYS THAT WAY.  In the beginning I didn't want to move, talk, wake-up, get out of bed...or even breathe.  I wanted to go to sleep, dream of John Preston and wake up when it was time to either have the next baby or see him in heaven.  I didn't want to go outside where there might actually be BABIES and CHILDREN and (gasp!) PREGNANT WOMEN!!!  I didn't want to go to graduations or weddings or plays or anything that would remind me of what I would never be able to share with my son.

Alot of my posts are going to be desert posts.  But I want you to know by reading this rainforest post that it DOES get easier to breath, and that you will smile (for real, not just for the 'camera').  You will likely never have a day when you don't think about or hurt over your loss, ever.  But one day you will have ONE thought about something other than your loss.  And a few days later you will have TWO thoughts about something other than your loss.  Then you will have a few days when you think of nothing else but.  Ah, but then you will have that day when you have THREE thoughts about something other than your loss.

Today I had lots of other thoughts, but my son never left my mind.  I laughed, giggled, ate, flirted with my hubby, shopped, and made plans for tomorrow.  So, today was a rainforest kind of day.

Why am I here?

You can view my story in the "My story" section, but I want you to know why I am here.  After losing my one and only son and realizing I would never have children I lost myself for awhile (and still feel lost at times). 

Eventually I met Robin, who would lead me on a journey of 'dealing and healing'.  She allowed me to accompany her on her journey to start a non-profit organization geared toward helping families (especially women) deal with the loss of their child(ren) through miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death. 

We are  now gearing up to also help women who will not have any (or anymore) children.  Our organization is called CrossHeart Ministries and you can visit us on Facebook and at our website www.crossheartministries.net. 

I invite you to share your story, share your struggles, and share your victories on this blog or (if you are in the Memphis, TN Metro area) come to one of our support groups.  We have a general grief support group right now, but in January 2012, we will start some new 'sub-groups' geared toward the many different and specific stages of all of our mommies. 

And please know, even if you have never had a loss, but you want to be a mommy but can't, I still consider you a Mommy.