I am inconsolably sad today and tonight. I wish I wasn't. There is so much new and exciting and good in my life. Sometimes I feel sooo guilty about being sad about John Preston and about being childless. But I was talking to my friend Suzanne the other and she was pointing out that God made women to have babies. I mentioned this in my "The Sharp Knife of a Short Life" post. So this longing that I have won't ever go away because it will never be fulfilled. I miss my son so much. But I miss, maybe even more, what will never be. I will never know what it is to feel a baby kicking in my stomach. I will never know what it is like to have my water break in a restaurant. I will never know what is like to give birth. I will never know what it is to love someone so much I would give my life for them. I will never know what it is like to hold a baby that my husband and I made in love and that is literally a part of me. I will never know what it is like to have a baby shower, to buy baby furniture or pick out car seats and use that gun thingy at Target to pick out the clothes and bottles and blankets and booties, to see my husband cry when he holds his living, breathing son in his arms. It will always hurt when I someone anounces their pregnancy, I will always hurt when I see a pregnant woman, it will always hurt when I see a new born baby. It will always hurt when I am the only one at the table, in the car, at the gathering who isn't able to join in the conversation because I don't have a child to be proud of, complain about, brag on or roll my eyes about. I will never be in the club.
When you look forward in your life and see that emptiness, and know that it will never go away, it is so hard to get up in the morning, to smile, to function, to even care about doing any of that. I just wanted to have a baby like everyone else. I will never understand why that had to be the way it is.
I guarantee that it would be the first question I ask Jesus if I was able to talk to before dying. I have to believe that once I die and am in heaven it won't matter why anymore. But I just wish, He would send me a letter and explain it.
Cindy, you love your sweet little boy with all your heart, that love is the love you have for any child living or not. I don't love Cooper any differently than I love Ava. As for the no baby shower and so on... while we did have all that with Ava, Cooper was our "miracle" baby, we weren't supposed to have anymore, and I am very sad I don't get to do all that either. I tell Richard all the time. I have 4 registries that I get updates from, and I can't bring myself to delete them. I'm so sorry Cindy, you would be an EXCELLENT mother, BUT that's not the only reason you were put on this Earth. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be at the support group, so for me you were put here, to be the contact I had to the group. Thank you.
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