To quote my friend Molly - it's been a bitter kind of day...

As if it isn't hard enough that I have to be around pregnant women all the time, as if it isn't enough that I will never be one of those, as if it isn't hard enough to listen to people talk about trying to get pregnant...i had to witness someone's water breaking tonight.  I am not mad at her.  I don't blame her or hold it against her.  I hold it against the universe, and yes sometimes I hold it against God.  Okay, so I get the whole intentional will, circumstantial will and ultimate will.  But seriously, he doesn't have enough control to have done a little and push her water breaking back 20 minutes when I would have been gone? 

I try not to be bitter.  I know 2 or 3 old women who are bitter, 2 of them are bitter against children because they never had any.  I don't want to be those women.  I want to be a nice old lady who likes kids and bakes cookied for them.

But this kind of thing makes it really really really hard.  God, give me a frickin' break.  Quit rubbing it in.  I just hate it all the time.  It's hard enough to have lost my son, that pain will never go away but lessens with time.  The fact that I will never have another child will NEVER lessen.  It will NEVER go away.  It will NEVER get better.  Every time I see a pregnant woman, a baby or someone's water breaking it breaks my heart.  Every single time. 

It's hole in my heart the size of Texas.  No the size of Alaska.  Nothing will ever fill it up.  I am so angry and hurt and sad and hurting right now.

I understand this isn't a positive or pleasant post.  If you want to judge me or preach at me, don't post it.  I don't care right now.  Tomorrow I will be fine probably.  Tomorrow I will be positive probably.  But let me grieve in my way for this post.