She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life.
I couldn't believe it when I heard those words pop out of a song that I had been listening to for 2 years. I had sung along with it a hundred times, and never once actually HEARD the words.
It's comforting, heartbreaking, anger-inducing, and completely accurate.
I think that when you lose a child (and I repeat, regardless of when..2 weeks along in your pregancy, at 2 years or 20 years old), the best description of the feeling would be that someone has cut our you heart, lungs, and will to live with a very dull and very dirty knife.
I remember days when I thought I cdouldn't get any air in my lungs. Like a panic attack, without the panic. I just couldn't seem to miss my child, think about life without him and breathe all at the same time. It was too overwhelming. I remember days when I thought my heart would either stop beating because it hurt - physically hurt - so badly in my chest or beat right of my chest because when I cried it would feel like it was beating 500 beats per minute. I remember days when I thought "I just wish it would stop beating". I would NEVER kill myself...I am too afraid of hurting Jimmy Ray, of dying period, or of missing out on something here on earth. But if my heart just stopped beating on its own... I remember days when I thought "What's the purpose?". Man (especially woMAN) was put here on earth to procreate. That is what a woman's boby is MADE to do, it's WHAT we do. So what did I have to look forward to? What did I strive for? What do I do with my life now?
I think that I have found those answers in CrossHeart Ministries. But that is now.
Back in 2008 and through most of 2009, I didn't think there were answers. I was completely hopeless. My whole body hurt with longing for my baby boy. Every single thing about babies and children made me cry - the motorized mini-Jeep at Wal-mart, the cowboy decor at Hobby Lobby, the baby clothes at Target, the Children's Tylenol at Kroger, and even my niece's highschool graduation. I would never get to buy those things or experience those things. I would never celebrate a child's first steps, graduation, wedding or the birth of their children.
Jimmy Ray and I traded in our much-loved truck for an SUV to save money on gas and to have a car that was more car-seat friendly. I HATE that SUV now. The week before we found out John Preston was gone, we went on a celebratory, last-time-as-a-couple vacation trip. I CAN'T and WON'T look at pictures from that trip. We looked at cribs and baby clothes and strollers and all the cool things that people with babies buy that were new to us. I will go all the way around the entire store at Target or Wal-mart or anywhere to miss the baby section. And all of that is still today, over 3 years later!!!
But I think about that rainbow that I took a picture of last week and believe that John Preston is shining down one me. I know that he is safe in the arms of Jesus. And those things give me peace and comfort.
Most of the time.
But life ain't always what you think it ought to be...especially when you experience the sharp knife of such a short, tiny life.
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