I, Cindy Sloan, HOSTED a baby shower!

I am still in a bit of shock.  But along with my friend and co-LAMBS, Katie, and at her house, I recently co-hosted a shower for another friend and co-LAMBS, Tricia.  NOTE: a B-A-B-Y shower.  Not only did I GO to a baby shower (which I have only done ONCE in the past 7 years and NEVER since losing John Preston) I HOSTED it.  I bought decorations.  I thought of cute baby sayings.  I shopped on-line baby stores.  I bought pink stuff.  I bought baby stuff.  I sat with 7 other women who HAVE children for 2 hours.  Here's the real kicker.  I ENJOYED IT.  Yes, there were some moments when my dropped to my feet momentarily.  Yes, there were awkward moments where I felt a little lonely and left out (not because of anyone else's actions of course).  But over all, it was fun working with Katie on decorations and gifts and food.  It was fun seeing Tricia's face light up over all the gifts and all the decorations. 

Was it because of who the baby-mamma is - a LAMBS who I adore, one I have watched suffer tremendously (physically and emotionally) over the near-death-herself loss of her little girl Rylee, one I have watched cope with this journey to meet the new baby Piper with mega joy, and some fear, one who fully understands how totally precious Piper will be? 

...OR...

Was it because time truly heals most of our wounds and I am finally at a point where I can feel joy for those who get to have children?

...OR...

Am I just nice?

I would say a combination of all 3, but not 100% of any. 

It IS much easier to accept and watch a pregnancy come to term when you know that the mamma carrying really, truly understands how precious that pregnancy is.  Twice a week, every week, I watch 15-20 pregnant women walk up and down my office hallway on their way to and from Parent's Day Out.  And I realize that I don't know everyone's story.  But when you see that many pregnant woman taking their kids to PDO, it is hard to think that they truly understand how precious their bellies are.  I hear them complain about weight and water-retention and being tired and wanting it to be over with.  THAT does not encourage childless women to like child-ful women.

So I know that part of it is that I love Tricia so much and I know she really truly honestly KNOWS how blessed she is.

It gets easier every day to see pregnant people.  Or rather, it sucks less.  Seeing a pregnant woman used to make me want to lie down in the floor, kick and scream and throw up.  Now my stomach just drops to my feel for a few seconds and then I can move on.

So I know part of it is that time makes things better (or suck less, depending on how you look at it.)

I am pretty sure it isn't just cause I am nice, cause I am pretty selfish, and if I hadn't WANTED to do it for Tricia and with Katie, I wouldn't have done it. 

All in all, I am super thrilled I did it.  All in all, don't plan on me doing another for another 5 years.

But see?  There IS life after infertility!!!!!

Bliss and Fear

I don't know how many people actually read my blog.  But I am guessing that most that do may be suffering heartache from loss.  So this post may not be their favorite, or may give them hope.  Not sure.

I am as close to blissfully happy as I have been since losing John Preston.  My relationship with my husband, Jimmy Ray, is so good.  Probably the strongest, closest, most fun it's ever been.  I feel a little bit like a newlywed again.  I just enjoy being with him. 

It wasn't always like this.  It was the first 2 years probably.  Then we kind of got in a rut / routine that didn't include much communication.  Then I became friends with a girl that took advantage of my consistent naivety about the goodness of people, and almost ruined my marriage.  Once Jimmy Ray and I got rid of her (no she isn't buried in our backyard, just out of our lives) things got so much better.  I felt like a newlywed then. And in spite of, or because of John Preston, our marriage has gotten better every year.

For instance, on Saturday, we drove down to Coldwater, MS for their Trade Days.  It's just a big huge flea market.  We didn't buy much, see anything fantastic - but we just had the best time - watching people, looking at animals, smelling the 'fair' food, buying little stuff.  (Well he did buy an antique tow-man chain saw that is really cool).  It was just fun.  Period.

Along with this blissfulness does come some fear.  The last time I was this happy, which was when I found I was pregnant with John Preston, it didn't exactly have a happy ending.  So there is this part of me that gets fearful anytime I get happy.  If there is this high, then there must be a low to follow.  This could be a bad thing - and sometimes it is because I get so fearful that I can make myself sick with worry.

But I actually think it might be a mostly good thing.  I hope that losing John Preston has made me aware of how precious our time is here on earth.  I hope that I learn to appreciate Jimmy Ray more and more every day.  Death is inevitable, but I hope that when that time comes - whether it is his or my death, that I can look back and say "I didn't waste a single minute - every moment was precious to me."  It's a little cheesy, but recently I have been hearing a saying "Life isn't about the number of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away".  Yes, a little cheesy, but a lot true.

I hope I live it.

HELLOOOOOOO

Sorry it has been so long, but I am back. Hope you will start coming back to read!!!

Hopeless Heart finds Hopefulness in Her Heart

I told my story to a group of young women at a Hopeful Hearts luncheon this past Saturday, May 12, 2012. Hopeful Hearts is a great ministry, similiar to our CrossHeart Ministries. Hopeful Hearts is a support group for women dealing with infertility and child loss. We hope to work more and more with them in the future as each of our ministries grow. Anyway, here is what I shared with these young ladies.

If you are like me, when you were a little girl you dreamed that one day you would marry your knight in shining armor, and you would live in a little white house with a little white picket fence and you would have 10 kids running around on your perfectly manicured lawn. Well I live 99% of that dream. Although my knight in shining armor turned out to be a redneck dairy farmer in overalls, and since I have a black thumb, the only thing manicured in my lawn are weeds. I do live in a little brick house with a white picket fence, and my knight is ridiculously close to perfect. And I do usually have 4 or 5 kids running around in my yard. So what is the missing 1%? None of those kids running around in my yard are mine. We don’t have children – and this isn’t by choice.

I know the story that I am about to tell you will at first sound like your worst nightmare. I know this because I know the majority of the women here today have come because your heart’s most desperate desire is to have children. But bear with me because it does have a 99% happy ending.

My husband is Jimmy Ray - yes he does have 2 first names, yes he is from Mississippi, and yes he is a real live dairy farmer. Jimmy Ray and I tried for over 10 years to have a baby. We saw Dr. Ke and found that Jimmy Ray was perfectly healthy and so was I – except I didn’t ovulate. They call that unexplained infertility. Thanks, that really helps. We did not feel that adoption or fertility treatments were right for us, for private reasons of our own. (And by the way – please note: deciding to adopt, to try IVF, IUF or infertility drugs or any other viable way to have children is a personal decision. Regardless of what people feel they have a right to say to you about it, do what YOU think is best, without feeling you have to justify it to anyone besides yourself and your spouse.) That doesn’t mean that having children wasn’t the thing we wanted most in the world or that we necessarily chose not to have kids. But we finally came to terms with the fact that for some reason, it was not in God’s plan for us to have children, and so we focused on helping other people’s children when we could. We are the favorite aunt and uncle (mostly because we give the best gifts), we are always available for babysitting, we love St. Jude’s and we are invested in helping families who for one reason or another are not able to provide for the needs of their children. We were at peace with that and believed that we were following the path God laid out for us.

Then less than a month before our 12th anniversary, on June 28, 2008 we got the biggest shock and blessing of our lives. I found out I was THREE months pregnant. I hardly had any noticeable symptoms, other than what I thought was one missed period, which at 39 was not that odd for me. I threw up one time, and on a lark bought a pregnancy test. HA! My doctor thought we were morons, but honestly, it never ONCE crossed my mind that I might be pregnant. In 12 years, we had used not one iota of birth control. 

Since we found out at 12 weeks and since that is the “safe” time to tell folks, we did so with a bang. I had been having stomach problems for a time even before I got pregnant and my dad knew about that. So we met him for dinner one night and I took his hands and very seriously I said “Daddy they finally figured out what was wrong with my stomach.” He looked worried and maybe a little frightened until I said “There’s a baby in there!” Then we told Jimmy Ray’s family by sending our dog, Foxy, into my mother-in-law’s house with a note attached saying “I’m getting a new brother – and not the puppy kind.” There was much rejoicing. To celebrate, we took a mini “last chance for romance / 12 year anniversary trip” and mostly shopped for baby stuff the whole time. I have a picture of me sitting at my desk at work 2 days after we returned, and I am just smiling bigger than life. That was the last time I smiled and was truly happy for a long time. The next day we went for our 4 month check-up and found that our miracle baby had no heartbeat. Our perfect, tiny son, John Preston Sloan, was born sleeping on August 2, 2008. I won’t go into details about the emotional and physical pain of giving birth to a baby you will never take home, because I know most of you here have suffered through similar pain. Suffice it to say, that was the worst day of my life, and for over 2 years after that I was a complete and total mess.

For me, not having children was sort of a double whammy. One - my mom died from colon cancer when I was 15 – This came at a time in my life when I was at that age where you typically thought your parents were idiots and didn’t understand and never wanted you to have any fun. The unfortunate result of this was that I didn’t really get to know and become friends with my mom. So not only did I not get to HAVE a mom, I didn’t get to BE a mom. And two - I felt like God had played a majorly cruel joke on me. We had accepted his ‘no children’ verdict, did what we thought He was leading us to do, and then He rewards us with a child only to snatch it away? I was so angry and confused and broken that I could hardly see straight most of the time.

But even though I was pretty angry at God, I still tried to listen. I believe He led me to an awesome therapist (whose name I will gladly share with anyone who is searching for a therapist). My therapist couldn’t take the pain away. She validated my pain, taught me great coping mechanisms and told me I wasn’t crazy. That was huge for me. One of the things I learned from this awesome therapist was “productive grieving”. Turns out, sitting in my closet, in the dark, crying til I wanted to throw up was not productive grieving.

And of course, another thing that was huge for me was the blessing of my husband. I know there may be some of you today who do not have a husband who understands your grieving process. Whereas I painfully realize that only some of us have the blessing of hope that we will still have children, I also realize that only some of us have the blessing of a fully supportive and comprehending husband. But as I said God had given me the most supportive,kind, gentle husband who grieved right along with me. He never thought I should get over it, never thought I should move on, and understood that this was our ‘new normal’.

And then the company I was working for hired Robin Cross. My life hasn’t been the same since. I know God gave her that job for ME. She gave me a care package and then announced that she was starting her organization, CrossHeart Ministries. I volunteered immediately. I had never really felt ‘pulled’ by God to do anything. I tried to do what the Bible told me to do, I tried to do what I thought he would want me to do, but I had never felt that powerful pull to do something specific. This was it though. I was being pulled to CrossHeart Ministries. Talk about productive grieving. I finally had the chance to use my pain (aka experience) to empathize with other women who were suffering the same type of pain I was, and to HELP them!

And, through my brother, God led me to this verse which has been my saving grace through all of my suffering:

From Romans 5:1-5:

Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

So back to being your worst nightmare. Like I said, I know most of the women here desire children more than almost anything and are doing everything they can to have children. Many of you are still trying naturally, are trying infertility treatments or are pursuing adoption. Like I said before, Almost all of you still have hope of having a child. So you might wonder what message a woman who did not achieve that goal – naturally, with medical help or through adoption, and is now past the hopeful stage in her life - might have to say that would be remotely inspirational.

This is my message. There is life after infertility. I pray with all of my heart that every single one of you is blessed with your heart’s desire and have babies (no matter how you get them!). If God has another plan for you, if his answer for children for you is no, it will be a long, hard, uphill trail to healing. But with Him, you will find peace. I would give anything to have a child, but knowing I won’t, MY life after infertility means the following things:

I am a mother. My son is just not here on earth, but someday I will see him again.

I am a wife. I have a relationship with my husband that is solid and fun and interesting and loving and committed.

I am a sister and a daughter and an aunt and a niece and a cousin. I am blessed with an incredibly loving family – immediate and in-laws.

I am a lifeline. With CrossHeart Ministries, I believe I have found my purpose and I am chasing it with all of my heart.

I am a friend. I pray for, help, support, give, take, love and respect the many friends I have been blessed with in my life.

I am a contributing member of society. I give 110% to my job, I love to interact with people, and I am a creative and intelligent being.

I am a believer. I believe in the goodness of people and until they run over me with a truck, I believe that 95% of them are inherently good because God made us all in His image.

I love life. Even though there were times over the past 3 years that I wasn’t sure, I know that I want to live and experience life in all its glory – the joy, the pain, the tears, the laughter, the love.

I am loved - by my husband, by my family, by God.

I am His child. No matter where I go, no matter what I do, no matter who I am - He will find me and love me and comfort me.

Even though I hope you don’t have to live it, there is life after infertility. It is still worth living. And it not only gets better, it actually gets good.

Even if there were a hundred...

I want my friends and family to read this.  I want those who know and love me to know my thoughts, feelings and struggles.  But my hope for this site was that others who don't know me, but suffer the same struggles would find this site and make a connection.  I am alone in a crowd, and I had hoped this blog would open up a line of communication to a crowd in which I would NOT be alone.

So far, this doesn't seem to be the case, and after reading a little bit of the book Silent Sorority, I am feelling a little hopeless again. 

Finding CrossHeart Ministries as a support group probably saved my life.  Knowing I wasn't alone in the unending grief of loss definitely helped keep me sane.  Finding women who would listen and understand the pain I was suffering was an incredible release at a time when I had very little.

But it seems a little like I might have come full circle in some ways.  I started reading Silent Sorority and at first I thought - hallelujah!  This lady knows exactly how I feel!  This lady totally gets the pain that comes with knowing I will never have kids.  At first this was an awesome feeling.  But I have come down from the high.

Currently she is the only one I have found that gets it.  And since she is a celebrity and since she doesn't live in Memphis, it isn't a lot of help to hear her story.  And more importantly, and the point of this rambling entry, is that it doesn't matter even if she was, or even if I did find other women who understand.

It won't change the outcome.  It won't change the facts.  I will still be childless.  I will still not know the joy of giving birth to a living breathing part of my husband and me.  I will still not know what it is to be a mother, to raise a child, to see my husband in my child's eyes or nose or smile.  I will always only know how close I came and how cruelly that chance was literally ripped out of my body.

Although I have been pregnant, although I gave birth to a baby I never saw or held, I will never have a child.  I will never truly be a mother.

No matter how many books I read, no matter how many women I meet, no matter how successful a support group is, no matter how many people I talk to, it will never change.  It will never be different. 

I will still never have a child.

The only people who will ever truly understand that pain, women who have come so close to the dream and had it ripped from their arms, are also the only people who understand that it doesn't matter if we meet each other - it wouldn't matter if there were a hundred of us in a room.  It won't change.

I will still never have a child.

A perfect sister I am not, but thankful for the one I've got.

So you have heard me mention my sister, Glenna, and you will hear me mention her a million more times.

I have the best sister in the world.  I know lots of people say that, but mine really is.  She has sacrificed for and invested in me just as much as she has her own two children.  After my mother died, my sister totally took over taking care of me, when my dad was just too sad and confused to do it. 

She was there when I had my first real kiss.  She was there when I fell in love the first time.  She was there the first time my heart was broken.  She talked to me about things my mother would have talked to me about and my daddy never could.  She stopped me from being stupid and she taught me to be smart.  She taught me how to be resourceful, self-reliant, independent and confident.  She is the perfect example of integrity, honesty, kindness and unselfishness.    She exudes strength, determination and wisdom.

She cried when I tried on my wedding dress.  She spent my last night being single with me.  She stayed at my house for days after my wedding, decorating, buying me stuff we needed and leaving me sweet notes everywhere.  She drove to Memphis to take care of me when I had surgery - twice.  She has guided, led and advised me in every job trauma, change, upheaval, placement and resignation.  She played peacemaker with Jimmy Ray and I during the roughest spot in our marriage because she loves Jimmy Ray too. 

She was the first person we told, and almost wrecked her van when we told her I was pregnant.  She bought me my first baby gift.  She arranged the lunch at which we suprised my dad with the news.  She fell apart and broke down crying when I told her John Preston had died.  She drove most of the night to be here when he was born.  She guarded the door and didn't let people into see me.  She stayed for a week to take care of me. 

She has listened for inumberable hours as I cried, ranted, raved, analyzed, over-analyzed, giggled, laughed, talked and talked and talked.  She has shared her hardest and saddest moments with me.

There aren't words to describe all she has done for me.  There aren't words to describe all she has done for her children, her friends, her family.  There aren't words to describe the beautiful, incredible, delightful angel that she is. 

Silent Sorority

I haven’t found anyone who doesn’t have any living children, has had a loss and will never have another chance.  I have one friend who has one living child, one angel baby and can’t have any MORE children.  But she at least has one living child.  I have another friend who has 2 living children, and may or may not have more.  The closest one I know has had multiple losses, and just found out she has a disease that means she has to be EXTREMELY careful if she gets pregnant again.  I do have one friend who has never been pregnant, so no loss, and probably won’t have children but it is a decision that she and her husband have made based on age and their specific situation.

But I don’t know anyone that has no children, lost their only and can’t have anymore.  I sure I have already said this and will probably say it a thousand more times, but it is really kind of the theme of my life.  I am not in the club, I will never be in the club, and so far I am the ONLY one I know who isn’t in the club, but not by choice. 

I want to start a support group for women like me…but I won’t have anyone there but myself!!!  If you know of anyone who is like me, if you are like me – no matter where you are, please put me in contact or contact me!

I just bought a book called "Silent Sorority - A Barren Woman Gets Busy, Angry, Lost and Found" by Pamela Mahoney Tisgdinos.  Maybe I will get some help and clarity and hope from this book

To Mother (from 'Captivating' by John & Stasi Eldredge

As large as the role our mothers have played, the word "mother" is more powerful when used as a verb than as a noun. All women are not mothers but all women are called to mother. To mother is to nurture, to train, to educate, to rear. As daughters of Eve, all women are uniquely gifted to help others in their lives become more of who they truly are - to encourage, nurture and mother them towards their true selves. In doing this, women partner with Christ in the vital mission of bringing forth life.

The nurturing of life is a high and holy calling. And as a woman, it is yours. Yes, it takes many shapes and has a myriad of faces. Yes, men are called to this as well. But uniquely and deeply, this calling makes up part of the very fiber of a woman's soul - the calling to mother.

All women are called to mother. And all women are called to give birth. Women give birth to all kinds of things - to a book (it's nearly as hard as a child, believe me), to a church or to a movement. Women give birth to ideas, to creative expressions, to ministries. We birth life in others by inviting them into deeper realms of healing, to deeper walks with God, to deeper intimacy with Jesus. A woman is not less of a woman because she is not a wife or has not physically born a child. The heart and life of a woman is much vaster than that. All women are made in the image of God in that we bring forth life. When we enter into our world and into the lives of those we love and offer our tender and strong feminine hearts, we cannot help but mother them.

The capacity of a woman's heart for meaningful relationships is vast. There is no way your husband or your children can ever provide the intimacy and relational satisfaction you need. A woman must have women friends.

It is here, in the realm of relationship that women receive the most joy and the profoundest sorrows. The friendships of women inhabit a terrain of great mystery. There is a fierce jealousy, a fiery devotion and a great loyalty between women friends. Our friendships flow in the deep waters of the heart where God dwells and transformation takes place. It is here, in this holy place that a woman can partner with God in impacting another and be impacted by another for lasting good. It is here that she can mother, nurture, encourage and call forth Life.

To have a woman friend is to relax into another soul and be welcomed in all that you are and all that you are not. To know that, as a woman, you are not alone. Friendships between women provide a safe place to share in the experiences of life as a woman.

Frustration and Sadness

This post is not targeted at anyone.  It is a general overview of the path my grief has taken.  If you read this and get angry at me, that is your right.  But my goal is not to hurt anyone, but to express my pain.  I don’t want to sound ungrateful.  We received a lot of cards, and I know a lot of people prayed for us.  And we felt those prayers and were very thankful.

Many members of my family are not supportive.  No one in my family (in-laws and immediate) except my sister and daddy ever say John Preston’s name.

Many of my previous friends weren’t supportive.  No one gave me hand-made, thoughtful gifts - no one gave me gifts period after John Preston died.  No one ever visited his gravesite after his burial. 

But the average joe is clueless, and a lot of them want to stay that way.  And although I can’t really blame them, it still hurts, it still makes me angry and it still makes it an extremely lonely grief. 

I will tell you this…the friends who did / do support me, the friends who did stick around, the family members who do mention John Preston’s name…they will ALWAYS be important to me, and I will NEVER forget what they have done for me.  I won’t list them here, even though I would love to.  But it isn’t because I would hurt someone’s feeling who didn’t support me, but because I might forget to list someone who did.  Not that I have forgotten them, but I might not think of them right this minute.

Sometimes I get really jealous of my friends who received gifts for their angel babies.  Handmade gifts, purchased gifts, donations, memorials, people visiting the grave sites.  The only thing that we got from anyone when John Preston died was a Christmas ornament at a memorial service that the funeral home performed for all the families who had lost someone buried by them during the year of 2008.  My sister and niece and nephew made donations to St. Jude’s in memory of him.  That’s it.  Nothing else until his 3^rd birthday this year from the board members of CrossHeart Ministries.

This is why it is so important to find a group like CrossHeart Ministries.  The women I have met there understand my grief over the loss of my son.  Many of them will never understand the emptiness that sometimes stretches out before us as a life without children.    But they understand and validate that I have a son, that I am a mother, that my child was REAL, that he IS real, and that just because he is not here on earth with me doesn’t make him any less important than the children who are here on earth with their parents.

I wrote this not long ago to some of my friends after my first Grief Share session:

“One of the things that hit me was that in the midst of grief you find things to be grateful for. One of the things brought up was that as much as you hate to make friends this way, when you find people who have been through what you have been through, strong relationships are built on those shared experiences. And that is so awesome.

BUT, something I find even more amazing and to be honored and admired is this: the friends that haven't been through it, and don't totally know, but that stick around and suffer through it anyway because of their love and their empathy for the friend who is. It is easy for me to sit and listen endlessly to someone whose mom died when they were young because I relate to that, I understand that, I can empathize with it. It is much harder (and close to impossible) for me to sit and listen to someone who has lost their right arm. I don't understand that. I might think ‘why don't they just learn to use a prosthetic?’, or ‘why don't they just learn to write with their left hand?’.  I don't understand the struggle that goes with that loss.. It would take ALOT for me to have the patience and the empathy and the energy to sit and listen to that person hurt and cry and bemoan their loss.

But those rare friends that haven’t been through what I have been through, still sat and listened to me cry, yell, talk, analyze, complain, whine, holler, pat myself on the back, criticize myself, criticize others, etc., etc. for hours and hours and hours on end without one complaint and with lots of understanding and patience and empathy and tears. I have made John Preston a huge part of my life, as I believe I should have. But it has cost me friendships because not everyone had that patience and empathy and they got tired of the John Preston Saga.

Not those friends. Nothing I have ever done deserves that kind of devotion and commitment. Only God sends that type of blessing to mere humans.

I am so thankful to those friends from the depths of my grief, pain, joy and heart. I selfishly cannot imagine my life without them, and can't ever possibly repay such devotion, love and selflessness as they showed me.”

TOTAL SUCCESS!!! A Walk to Remember will not be forgotten.

Saturday, October 8 WAS a walk to remember. We had over 100 people attend and walk. Over 65 balloons were released for all the sweet angel babies. It was a perfectly beautiful day, with a light cool breeze and sunshine at a beautiful park. I personally was suprised, overjoyed and intensely touched that my cousin, Murray, and his wife Jaime and my cousin, Melody, and her husband Brad attended along with my Uncle Leon who led the opening prayer for our ceremony. My other cousin (their brother), Michael and his wife Darla lost a baby girl over 10 years ago, and I was honored that Melody released a balloon for my little angel cousin, Hope McKenzie.

It was a bittersweet day in that it is overwhelmingly sad how many people need support, but healing and thrilling that they allow us to provide support for them!

I wasn't able to take any pictures, but Torrie from Seavers Photography took alot, and my friend Peggy Haguewood took a few of my family. Here are a few...

Our banner!

Releasing John Preston's balloons.

Tiffany releases balloons for several LAMBS who couldn't attend!

We're in it together...

In the forefront are our friends Tiffany and Brenden; in the center is my friend and co-worker Lani, who released a balloon for her angel baby sister, Vickie Lynn.

Robin releases balloons for her 10 Baby Crosses, and for John David, her son.

The CrossHeart Team (from left):
Amy, Robin (our fearless leader), me, Ashley, Tiffany and Molly

So many families affected!

Jimmy Ray and I led the walk for John Preston!

My little family...

My friend Lisa, who sponsored the set-up fee for our shirts, and her dad.  Her mom took the picture!

My Uncle Leon and my cousin Melody and me!

A Walk to Remember - Preparation

So tomorrow is one of my new norm favorites.  It is the day that CrossHeart Ministries hold it's annual Walk to Remember in celebration of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  As hard and as sad as it is that I have to be a part of this month and this day, it is an awesome day to celebrate the LIFE of my stillborn, but STILL BORN son, John Preston.  Getting ready for (as a CHM board member) and looking forward to (as a Mommy to an Angel) this event, and then participating in the event as a mommy is totally worth the major emotional and physical exhaustion that will follow.  But I will go every year for the rest of my life and be completely willing to suffer the consequences. 

Here is a picture of our t-shirt.

I can't wait.  My husband and I are going to lead the walk for John Preston.  We will walk around the lake twice.  Then we will release a balloon for him, along with 63 other parents of angel babies.  We will be with people who understand us and our loss and our never ending pain and none of them will be uncomfortable or awkward and everyone will say John Preston's name without pause and no one will look at us like we have the plague.  We will be in a situation in which for once we will be 'normal'.

Thank you Ronald Reagan for proclaiming this a National Day of Awareness.  Thank you CrossHeart Ministries for hosting this event. 
Thank you Robin Cross for finding me and throwing me the life saver that is CrossHeart Ministries. 
Thank you Jimmy Ray Sloan for giving me the greatest gifts you could give me - your love and our son, John Preston.
Thank you God for all of it.

CrossHeart Ministries Second Annual Walk to Remember
Johnson Park in Collierville, TN
October 8, 2011 from 10:00am - Noon

So, about my mom...

So I always tell the story of John Preston in the following manner:

Losing my son is most horrible thing that ever happened to me.  I have had such a blessed life, a great family, a great support system growing up, a great church and youth group, a great husband, great in-laws.  My life has been really good...oh except for my mom dying when I was 15.

THAT is why my therapist says I treat my mom's death as a side note in my life.

But since John Preston died alot of the emotions that I didn't feel at the time have surfaced.  So here is the story.

When I was 12, my dad took a 2-year contract job in Saudia Arabia.  He was there for about a year when my mom started having some stomach pains.  He came home for a week in 1982 thinking he was going with her for some tests, but when they went in the doctor simply said "You need to stay home. Don't go back."  She was diagnosed with colon cancer and given 3 months to live.  I fell apart that night.  She and my dad decided that they were going to try anything and everything so she put herself in a program for testing methods. 

The doctors put a pump in her side that shot out chemo every hour or so.  That didn't work.  Except that every time we went to the mall it set off the sensors and she had to get out her little paper and show the mall cops.

Then daddy took her to a specialist in Germany under the guise of a European vacation for the family.  That didn't work, but we had a wonderful time and made memories that will never be forgotten.

Then she did regular chemo and radiation.  That didn't work, but after she lost all her hair it grew back twice as thick and twice as curly and gorgeous.

Daddy got a job at FedEx and mom had great insurance. 

On Monday, July 30, 1984 mom went in for a regular check up.  While she was there her veins collapsed.  By Tuesday, July 31 she was in a coma.  Thursday, August 2, 1994 she quietly passed away while my daddy, sister, brother and I stood around her bed singing to her.  10 minutes after she died, her parents, my grandparents stepped off the elevator at the hospital.  My grandmother never spoke another word or at another bite.

Barely 2 weeks later on Wed, August 14, my grandparents were hit by a car crossing the street on their way home from church.  My granddaddy's leg was broken, but my grandmother sustained severe head trauma.  Exactly 2 weeks after my mother died, my grandmother died from that head injury. 

My mother donated her body to science so we didn't have a funeral, but instead had a memorial service in Memphis, TN and then another in Knoxville, TN at the church where my parents had attended church for the 20 years previous to the 6 we had lived in Memphis before she died.

Apparently my parents didn't read the fine print in the contract with UT Medical Services, because in January of 1985, my dad received a call telling him that they were done with my mother's body and he could come pick her up.  Talk about shock.  My dad couldn't even comprehend it, and so my Uncle Leon (my mother's brother) took care of her.  My dad didn't tell us about it at the time.  It had only been a few months, things were just settling back to normal (or the new normal for us) and he felt like he should give us some time.  The longer he waited the harder it got to bring it up and tell us.

So at our family Christmas get together in January of 2010, 1 year and 5months after John Preston died, my dad told us that our mother was buried in a plot at Historic Elmwood Cemetary in Memphis in the section dedicated to people who had done as my mother had done, and what my father still plans to do.

I am not sure how my brother and sister felt about it, but it was a good day for me.  I thought he made the right decision to not tell us at the time - especially me, as I was only 15, a teenager with enough normal problems in addition to my mom being dead, to also have to imagine all of that.  Maybe he shouldn't have waited 26 years.  But also, I was glad to know there was a place to go where I could honor my mom, and have a place to go and spend quiet time dedicated just to her.  It was quite a shock though.

So for the past 2 Mother's Days I have spent the day at my mother's grave and my son's grave.  It's a little rough.  One of the things I say to whoever will listen is that I didn't get to have a mom, and I don't get to be a mom.  Those are the days that I get angry and bitter.

Mother's Day 2011 with John Preston

Mother's Day 2010 with my mother, the first in 26 years.

But then, again, I realize how blessed my life has been up until the loss of John Preston - with the exception of my mom dying of course.

Part 3 of 3 of an awesome October 2, 2011

So although this day has had some hard moments, it has mostly been filled with joy.  And it just keeps getting better.  We went to the zoo - and of course Brad paid for ALL of us to get into the zoo cause he is just awesome like that.  (Jimmy Ray paid for breakfast, Glenna paid for lunch, Brad paid for gas and zoo, Glenna paid for dinner, JR paid for coffee.  It was a Battle of the Payers.  I of course got away scott free!!!)  Anyway, we had the best time.  We ate greasy burgers and corn dogs for lunch.  Then we went into the "animals of the night" exhibit - awch! It stunk, but was still pretty cool.  I thought for sure I'd have nightmares.  We saw the polar bears, the alligators, the monkeys, the gorillas...

(A baby started crying while we were sitting there watching this female silver back.  When she heard the baby she started making cooing noises similiar to what human women make for their own babies.  It was sweet / surreal / freaky.)










...the zebras, the giraffes (including a baby one!), the lions...

(She was lying down and then all of a sudden got up and hopped up on the log like she heard or saw something excited.  I am glad she wasn't looking at me!) 



...and the coolest experience for me ever at a zoo was when we saw the grizzly bears.



Yes, that is a real, live, grizzly bear.  No, there is no glass between me and the bear.  No, this is not a telephoto lens.  Yes, that is a real live grizzly bear less than 3 feet from my EYE.  Coolest picture I will probably ever take!

We ended the day with a ridiculously yummy dinner at Colton's steakhouse.  Then we came back to our house, hung out for awhile and then Glenna and Brad hit the road at 9:30pm!

I cried as they rode out the driveway, but it was so worth it and we had the best time.  It was a much needed break from the heaviness that had been my heart this past week.  My sister is the second greatest person on earth (the first being Jimmy Ray, of course).  We always have so much fun with them as couples. 

What an awesome awesome fun bittersweet exciting hilarious weekend!  Thanks Brad and Glenna for driving up for the day to be with us.  Thanks Jimmy Ray for taking a RARE day off to spend with me and my favorite people.

Part 2 of 3 of an awesome October 2, 2011 ...

After visiting John Preston, we went to mid-town and ate lunch at a cool, funky, yummy eatery called 'Cafe Eclectic' which has an awesome brunch on Sundays.  I highly recommend it!!!! 

Then we all went to visit my mom's gravesite at Elmwood Cemetary (currently the website is all about halloween, but it is a beautiful and historic cemetary).  I have been several times so it doesn't really get to me as much (plus, as my therapist says, I sometimes refer to my mother's death as a 'side note' in my life...but that is a whole nother post!).  But it was very emotional for my sister.  I think especially with all the changes going on in her life - she's fixing to get married, Ryan is fixing to get married, Megan is zooming through college, etc.  But anyway, it was a bittersweet and terribly beautiful visit.

Glenna and Brad with the flowers we brought.

Me and my sister.

The beautiful live roses that Glenna and Brad brought.

The flowers Jimmy Ray and I bought along with the roses.

 After this we headed to the zoo!

Part 1 of 3 of an awesome October 2, 2011...

My sister (Glenna, who will someday have a whole entire post written about her) and her fiance (Brad, who is the most awesome thing for her, and who I adore!) were here this past Sunday AND Jimmy Ray got to take off almost the whole day to spend with us!

First we went to visit John Preston. They surprised me with the cutest gift for him, and we stayed for a nice little visit! 

Here is Aunt Glenna and soon-to-be-Uncle Brad with JP.

I don't know if you can see it or not, but the flowers are in a little orange pumpkin shaped pot that has an aqua blue flower with an aqua blue ribbon with orange polka dots.

The little blue cross was given to John Preston on his third birthday by my awesome friend Ashley, and the little cow is from me and Jimmy Ray on this visit. It's a mama cow.

My only eartly connection :(  but it's such a joy to have visitors there!

And of course, Mommy and Daddy.  We love you John Preston!

Retail Therapy and Fun...necessities of life.

So last week was a really hard week.  I got angry, bitter, morose, sad and felt sorry for myself.

THEN...

I went shopping and bought 8 new skirts, 3 shirts, a pair of rollerblades (NOT for me), and a pair of shoes for $40 (yes that is less than $3 per items - including 2 Talbot items, both for less than $1.50 - with the tags still on) at my favorite thrift store with my friend Jamie and her daughter Jillian.  Then I ordered and received a $300 color printer, fax, scanner and copier for FREE.  Then I got to go to Hobby Lobby and buy stuff to make a friend a bracelet, some things to take up to John Preston's grave site and some flowers to take to my mother's grave site. Then Jimmy Ray and I went to Walmart and shopped just for fun.  Didn't buy a whole lot, but just the act of shopping and buying works for me!

Getting to spend time with Jamie is always fun and crazy.  She is one of those precious few friends who will talk about John Preston, say his name, ask me about my memories.  She will even talk with me about they day we found out that he was no longer alive and all of the details (and I mean ALL...achk) from the 24 hours I was in the hospital.

And of course, anytime Jimmy Ray and I can go do something together is precious to me.  As a dairy farmer, he isn't around as much as the average working bear.  I think part of why our relationship is so strong is that because we know the time we have together is limited and we make the most of it.  We don't see each other from 5pm on every weekday evening, we don't spend the whole day together on Sat and Sun.  I see him for about 2 hours every day, maybe 6 on Sat and Sun - and only then if they aren't planting or harvesting beans and corn, hauling silage (corn chopped up for feed), cutting hay or fixing equipment bigger than my house.

And today, my sister and her fiance are coming into town to hang out with us and Jimmy Ray is taking most of the day off and we are going to visit John Preston, visit my mom's site, eat brunch in midtown and go to the zoo!

So instead of blogging this week, I have been shopping, playing and living.  All of those things are amazingly helpful at healing (or possibly just postponing) some of the pain.  But either way, at the very least, they are a great way to get a break from myself!

Better, not bitter, not best.

I am inconsolably sad today and tonight.  I wish I wasn't.  There is so much new and exciting and good in my life.  Sometimes I feel sooo guilty about being sad about John Preston and about being childless.  But I was talking to my friend Suzanne the other and she was pointing out that God made women to have babies.  I mentioned this in my "The Sharp Knife of a Short Life" post.  So this longing that I have won't ever go away because it will never be fulfilled.  I miss my son so much.  But I miss, maybe even more, what will never be.  I will never know what it is to feel a baby kicking in my stomach.  I will never know what it is like to have my water break in a restaurant.  I will never know what is like to give birth.  I will never know what it is to love someone so much I would give my life for them.  I will never know what it is like to hold a baby that my husband and I made in love and that is literally a part of me.  I will never know what it is like to have a baby shower, to buy baby furniture or pick out car seats and use that gun thingy at Target to pick out the clothes and bottles and blankets and booties, to see my husband cry when he holds his living, breathing son in his arms.  It will always hurt when I someone anounces their pregnancy, I will always hurt when I see a pregnant woman, it will always hurt when I see a new born baby.  It will always hurt when I am the only one at the table, in the car, at the gathering who isn't able to join in the conversation because I don't have a child to be proud of, complain about, brag on or roll my eyes about.  I will never be in the club.

When you look forward in your life and see that emptiness, and know that it will never go away, it is so hard to get up in the morning, to smile, to function, to even care about doing any of that.  I just wanted to have a baby like everyone else.  I will never understand why that had to be the way it is.

I guarantee that it would be the first question I ask Jesus if I was able to talk to before dying.  I have to believe that once I die and am in heaven it won't matter why anymore.  But I just wish, He would send me a letter and explain it.

Better today...

I am still sad beyond measure today.

But this morning on the way to work, there was this huge traffic jam.  It turned out to be some horrible awful wreck.  I started thinking about yesterday's post, and I had the craziest thought.  If I die in an accident today, people who read my blog are going to think I died a bitter woman.

I am not a bitter woman.  I have an awesome life.  So please know that if I bite it before my next post, I died happy.

To quote my friend Molly - it's been a bitter kind of day...

As if it isn't hard enough that I have to be around pregnant women all the time, as if it isn't enough that I will never be one of those, as if it isn't hard enough to listen to people talk about trying to get pregnant...i had to witness someone's water breaking tonight.  I am not mad at her.  I don't blame her or hold it against her.  I hold it against the universe, and yes sometimes I hold it against God.  Okay, so I get the whole intentional will, circumstantial will and ultimate will.  But seriously, he doesn't have enough control to have done a little and push her water breaking back 20 minutes when I would have been gone? 

I try not to be bitter.  I know 2 or 3 old women who are bitter, 2 of them are bitter against children because they never had any.  I don't want to be those women.  I want to be a nice old lady who likes kids and bakes cookied for them.

But this kind of thing makes it really really really hard.  God, give me a frickin' break.  Quit rubbing it in.  I just hate it all the time.  It's hard enough to have lost my son, that pain will never go away but lessens with time.  The fact that I will never have another child will NEVER lessen.  It will NEVER go away.  It will NEVER get better.  Every time I see a pregnant woman, a baby or someone's water breaking it breaks my heart.  Every single time. 

It's hole in my heart the size of Texas.  No the size of Alaska.  Nothing will ever fill it up.  I am so angry and hurt and sad and hurting right now.

I understand this isn't a positive or pleasant post.  If you want to judge me or preach at me, don't post it.  I don't care right now.  Tomorrow I will be fine probably.  Tomorrow I will be positive probably.  But let me grieve in my way for this post.

The Sharp Knife of a Short Life...

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life.

I couldn't believe it when I heard those words pop out of a song that I had been listening to for 2 years.  I had sung along with it a hundred times, and never once actually HEARD the words.

It's comforting, heartbreaking, anger-inducing, and completely accurate.

I think that when you lose a child (and I repeat, regardless of when..2 weeks along in your pregancy, at 2 years or 20 years old), the best description of the feeling would be that someone has cut our you heart, lungs, and will to live with a very dull and very dirty knife.

I remember days when I thought I cdouldn't get any air in my lungs.  Like a panic attack, without the panic.  I just couldn't seem to miss my child, think about life without him and breathe all at the same time.  It was too overwhelming.  I remember days when I thought my heart would either stop beating because it hurt - physically hurt - so badly in my chest or beat right of my chest because when I cried it would feel like it was beating 500 beats per minute.  I remember days when I thought "I just wish it would stop beating".  I would NEVER kill myself...I am too afraid of hurting Jimmy Ray, of dying period, or of missing out on something here on earth.  But if my heart just stopped beating on its own...  I remember days when I thought "What's the purpose?".  Man (especially woMAN) was put here on earth to procreate.  That is what a woman's boby is MADE to do, it's WHAT we do.  So what did I have to look forward to?  What did I strive for?  What do I do with my life now?

I think that I have found those answers in CrossHeart Ministries.  But that is now.

Back in 2008 and through most of 2009, I didn't think there were answers.  I was completely hopeless.  My whole body hurt with longing for my baby boy.  Every single thing about babies and children made me cry - the motorized mini-Jeep at Wal-mart, the cowboy decor at Hobby Lobby, the baby clothes at Target, the Children's Tylenol at Kroger, and even my niece's highschool graduation.  I would never get to buy those things or experience those things.  I would never celebrate a child's first steps, graduation, wedding or the birth of their children. 

Jimmy Ray and I traded in our much-loved truck for an SUV to save money on gas and to have a car that was more car-seat friendly.  I HATE that SUV now.  The week before we found out John Preston was gone, we went on a celebratory, last-time-as-a-couple vacation trip.  I CAN'T and WON'T look at pictures from that trip.  We looked at cribs and baby clothes and strollers and all the cool things that people with babies buy that were new to us.  I will go all the way around the entire store at Target or Wal-mart or anywhere to miss the baby section.  And all of that is still today, over 3 years later!!!


But I think about that rainbow that I took a picture of last week and believe that John Preston is shining down one me.  I know that he is safe in the arms of Jesus.  And those things give me peace and comfort. 

Most of the time.

But life ain't always what you think it ought to be...especially when you experience the sharp knife of such a short, tiny life.