Hopeless Heart finds Hopefulness in Her Heart

I told my story to a group of young women at a Hopeful Hearts luncheon this past Saturday, May 12, 2012. Hopeful Hearts is a great ministry, similiar to our CrossHeart Ministries. Hopeful Hearts is a support group for women dealing with infertility and child loss. We hope to work more and more with them in the future as each of our ministries grow. Anyway, here is what I shared with these young ladies.

If you are like me, when you were a little girl you dreamed that one day you would marry your knight in shining armor, and you would live in a little white house with a little white picket fence and you would have 10 kids running around on your perfectly manicured lawn. Well I live 99% of that dream. Although my knight in shining armor turned out to be a redneck dairy farmer in overalls, and since I have a black thumb, the only thing manicured in my lawn are weeds. I do live in a little brick house with a white picket fence, and my knight is ridiculously close to perfect. And I do usually have 4 or 5 kids running around in my yard. So what is the missing 1%? None of those kids running around in my yard are mine. We don’t have children – and this isn’t by choice.

I know the story that I am about to tell you will at first sound like your worst nightmare. I know this because I know the majority of the women here today have come because your heart’s most desperate desire is to have children. But bear with me because it does have a 99% happy ending.

My husband is Jimmy Ray - yes he does have 2 first names, yes he is from Mississippi, and yes he is a real live dairy farmer. Jimmy Ray and I tried for over 10 years to have a baby. We saw Dr. Ke and found that Jimmy Ray was perfectly healthy and so was I – except I didn’t ovulate. They call that unexplained infertility. Thanks, that really helps. We did not feel that adoption or fertility treatments were right for us, for private reasons of our own. (And by the way – please note: deciding to adopt, to try IVF, IUF or infertility drugs or any other viable way to have children is a personal decision. Regardless of what people feel they have a right to say to you about it, do what YOU think is best, without feeling you have to justify it to anyone besides yourself and your spouse.) That doesn’t mean that having children wasn’t the thing we wanted most in the world or that we necessarily chose not to have kids. But we finally came to terms with the fact that for some reason, it was not in God’s plan for us to have children, and so we focused on helping other people’s children when we could. We are the favorite aunt and uncle (mostly because we give the best gifts), we are always available for babysitting, we love St. Jude’s and we are invested in helping families who for one reason or another are not able to provide for the needs of their children. We were at peace with that and believed that we were following the path God laid out for us.

Then less than a month before our 12th anniversary, on June 28, 2008 we got the biggest shock and blessing of our lives. I found out I was THREE months pregnant. I hardly had any noticeable symptoms, other than what I thought was one missed period, which at 39 was not that odd for me. I threw up one time, and on a lark bought a pregnancy test. HA! My doctor thought we were morons, but honestly, it never ONCE crossed my mind that I might be pregnant. In 12 years, we had used not one iota of birth control. 

Since we found out at 12 weeks and since that is the “safe” time to tell folks, we did so with a bang. I had been having stomach problems for a time even before I got pregnant and my dad knew about that. So we met him for dinner one night and I took his hands and very seriously I said “Daddy they finally figured out what was wrong with my stomach.” He looked worried and maybe a little frightened until I said “There’s a baby in there!” Then we told Jimmy Ray’s family by sending our dog, Foxy, into my mother-in-law’s house with a note attached saying “I’m getting a new brother – and not the puppy kind.” There was much rejoicing. To celebrate, we took a mini “last chance for romance / 12 year anniversary trip” and mostly shopped for baby stuff the whole time. I have a picture of me sitting at my desk at work 2 days after we returned, and I am just smiling bigger than life. That was the last time I smiled and was truly happy for a long time. The next day we went for our 4 month check-up and found that our miracle baby had no heartbeat. Our perfect, tiny son, John Preston Sloan, was born sleeping on August 2, 2008. I won’t go into details about the emotional and physical pain of giving birth to a baby you will never take home, because I know most of you here have suffered through similar pain. Suffice it to say, that was the worst day of my life, and for over 2 years after that I was a complete and total mess.

For me, not having children was sort of a double whammy. One - my mom died from colon cancer when I was 15 – This came at a time in my life when I was at that age where you typically thought your parents were idiots and didn’t understand and never wanted you to have any fun. The unfortunate result of this was that I didn’t really get to know and become friends with my mom. So not only did I not get to HAVE a mom, I didn’t get to BE a mom. And two - I felt like God had played a majorly cruel joke on me. We had accepted his ‘no children’ verdict, did what we thought He was leading us to do, and then He rewards us with a child only to snatch it away? I was so angry and confused and broken that I could hardly see straight most of the time.

But even though I was pretty angry at God, I still tried to listen. I believe He led me to an awesome therapist (whose name I will gladly share with anyone who is searching for a therapist). My therapist couldn’t take the pain away. She validated my pain, taught me great coping mechanisms and told me I wasn’t crazy. That was huge for me. One of the things I learned from this awesome therapist was “productive grieving”. Turns out, sitting in my closet, in the dark, crying til I wanted to throw up was not productive grieving.

And of course, another thing that was huge for me was the blessing of my husband. I know there may be some of you today who do not have a husband who understands your grieving process. Whereas I painfully realize that only some of us have the blessing of hope that we will still have children, I also realize that only some of us have the blessing of a fully supportive and comprehending husband. But as I said God had given me the most supportive,kind, gentle husband who grieved right along with me. He never thought I should get over it, never thought I should move on, and understood that this was our ‘new normal’.

And then the company I was working for hired Robin Cross. My life hasn’t been the same since. I know God gave her that job for ME. She gave me a care package and then announced that she was starting her organization, CrossHeart Ministries. I volunteered immediately. I had never really felt ‘pulled’ by God to do anything. I tried to do what the Bible told me to do, I tried to do what I thought he would want me to do, but I had never felt that powerful pull to do something specific. This was it though. I was being pulled to CrossHeart Ministries. Talk about productive grieving. I finally had the chance to use my pain (aka experience) to empathize with other women who were suffering the same type of pain I was, and to HELP them!

And, through my brother, God led me to this verse which has been my saving grace through all of my suffering:

From Romans 5:1-5:

Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

So back to being your worst nightmare. Like I said, I know most of the women here desire children more than almost anything and are doing everything they can to have children. Many of you are still trying naturally, are trying infertility treatments or are pursuing adoption. Like I said before, Almost all of you still have hope of having a child. So you might wonder what message a woman who did not achieve that goal – naturally, with medical help or through adoption, and is now past the hopeful stage in her life - might have to say that would be remotely inspirational.

This is my message. There is life after infertility. I pray with all of my heart that every single one of you is blessed with your heart’s desire and have babies (no matter how you get them!). If God has another plan for you, if his answer for children for you is no, it will be a long, hard, uphill trail to healing. But with Him, you will find peace. I would give anything to have a child, but knowing I won’t, MY life after infertility means the following things:

I am a mother. My son is just not here on earth, but someday I will see him again.

I am a wife. I have a relationship with my husband that is solid and fun and interesting and loving and committed.

I am a sister and a daughter and an aunt and a niece and a cousin. I am blessed with an incredibly loving family – immediate and in-laws.

I am a lifeline. With CrossHeart Ministries, I believe I have found my purpose and I am chasing it with all of my heart.

I am a friend. I pray for, help, support, give, take, love and respect the many friends I have been blessed with in my life.

I am a contributing member of society. I give 110% to my job, I love to interact with people, and I am a creative and intelligent being.

I am a believer. I believe in the goodness of people and until they run over me with a truck, I believe that 95% of them are inherently good because God made us all in His image.

I love life. Even though there were times over the past 3 years that I wasn’t sure, I know that I want to live and experience life in all its glory – the joy, the pain, the tears, the laughter, the love.

I am loved - by my husband, by my family, by God.

I am His child. No matter where I go, no matter what I do, no matter who I am - He will find me and love me and comfort me.

Even though I hope you don’t have to live it, there is life after infertility. It is still worth living. And it not only gets better, it actually gets good.

Even if there were a hundred...

I want my friends and family to read this.  I want those who know and love me to know my thoughts, feelings and struggles.  But my hope for this site was that others who don't know me, but suffer the same struggles would find this site and make a connection.  I am alone in a crowd, and I had hoped this blog would open up a line of communication to a crowd in which I would NOT be alone.

So far, this doesn't seem to be the case, and after reading a little bit of the book Silent Sorority, I am feelling a little hopeless again. 

Finding CrossHeart Ministries as a support group probably saved my life.  Knowing I wasn't alone in the unending grief of loss definitely helped keep me sane.  Finding women who would listen and understand the pain I was suffering was an incredible release at a time when I had very little.

But it seems a little like I might have come full circle in some ways.  I started reading Silent Sorority and at first I thought - hallelujah!  This lady knows exactly how I feel!  This lady totally gets the pain that comes with knowing I will never have kids.  At first this was an awesome feeling.  But I have come down from the high.

Currently she is the only one I have found that gets it.  And since she is a celebrity and since she doesn't live in Memphis, it isn't a lot of help to hear her story.  And more importantly, and the point of this rambling entry, is that it doesn't matter even if she was, or even if I did find other women who understand.

It won't change the outcome.  It won't change the facts.  I will still be childless.  I will still not know the joy of giving birth to a living breathing part of my husband and me.  I will still not know what it is to be a mother, to raise a child, to see my husband in my child's eyes or nose or smile.  I will always only know how close I came and how cruelly that chance was literally ripped out of my body.

Although I have been pregnant, although I gave birth to a baby I never saw or held, I will never have a child.  I will never truly be a mother.

No matter how many books I read, no matter how many women I meet, no matter how successful a support group is, no matter how many people I talk to, it will never change.  It will never be different. 

I will still never have a child.

The only people who will ever truly understand that pain, women who have come so close to the dream and had it ripped from their arms, are also the only people who understand that it doesn't matter if we meet each other - it wouldn't matter if there were a hundred of us in a room.  It won't change.

I will still never have a child.

A perfect sister I am not, but thankful for the one I've got.

So you have heard me mention my sister, Glenna, and you will hear me mention her a million more times.

I have the best sister in the world.  I know lots of people say that, but mine really is.  She has sacrificed for and invested in me just as much as she has her own two children.  After my mother died, my sister totally took over taking care of me, when my dad was just too sad and confused to do it. 

She was there when I had my first real kiss.  She was there when I fell in love the first time.  She was there the first time my heart was broken.  She talked to me about things my mother would have talked to me about and my daddy never could.  She stopped me from being stupid and she taught me to be smart.  She taught me how to be resourceful, self-reliant, independent and confident.  She is the perfect example of integrity, honesty, kindness and unselfishness.    She exudes strength, determination and wisdom.

She cried when I tried on my wedding dress.  She spent my last night being single with me.  She stayed at my house for days after my wedding, decorating, buying me stuff we needed and leaving me sweet notes everywhere.  She drove to Memphis to take care of me when I had surgery - twice.  She has guided, led and advised me in every job trauma, change, upheaval, placement and resignation.  She played peacemaker with Jimmy Ray and I during the roughest spot in our marriage because she loves Jimmy Ray too. 

She was the first person we told, and almost wrecked her van when we told her I was pregnant.  She bought me my first baby gift.  She arranged the lunch at which we suprised my dad with the news.  She fell apart and broke down crying when I told her John Preston had died.  She drove most of the night to be here when he was born.  She guarded the door and didn't let people into see me.  She stayed for a week to take care of me. 

She has listened for inumberable hours as I cried, ranted, raved, analyzed, over-analyzed, giggled, laughed, talked and talked and talked.  She has shared her hardest and saddest moments with me.

There aren't words to describe all she has done for me.  There aren't words to describe all she has done for her children, her friends, her family.  There aren't words to describe the beautiful, incredible, delightful angel that she is. 

Silent Sorority

I haven’t found anyone who doesn’t have any living children, has had a loss and will never have another chance.  I have one friend who has one living child, one angel baby and can’t have any MORE children.  But she at least has one living child.  I have another friend who has 2 living children, and may or may not have more.  The closest one I know has had multiple losses, and just found out she has a disease that means she has to be EXTREMELY careful if she gets pregnant again.  I do have one friend who has never been pregnant, so no loss, and probably won’t have children but it is a decision that she and her husband have made based on age and their specific situation.

But I don’t know anyone that has no children, lost their only and can’t have anymore.  I sure I have already said this and will probably say it a thousand more times, but it is really kind of the theme of my life.  I am not in the club, I will never be in the club, and so far I am the ONLY one I know who isn’t in the club, but not by choice. 

I want to start a support group for women like me…but I won’t have anyone there but myself!!!  If you know of anyone who is like me, if you are like me – no matter where you are, please put me in contact or contact me!

I just bought a book called "Silent Sorority - A Barren Woman Gets Busy, Angry, Lost and Found" by Pamela Mahoney Tisgdinos.  Maybe I will get some help and clarity and hope from this book

To Mother (from 'Captivating' by John & Stasi Eldredge

As large as the role our mothers have played, the word "mother" is more powerful when used as a verb than as a noun. All women are not mothers but all women are called to mother. To mother is to nurture, to train, to educate, to rear. As daughters of Eve, all women are uniquely gifted to help others in their lives become more of who they truly are - to encourage, nurture and mother them towards their true selves. In doing this, women partner with Christ in the vital mission of bringing forth life.

The nurturing of life is a high and holy calling. And as a woman, it is yours. Yes, it takes many shapes and has a myriad of faces. Yes, men are called to this as well. But uniquely and deeply, this calling makes up part of the very fiber of a woman's soul - the calling to mother.

All women are called to mother. And all women are called to give birth. Women give birth to all kinds of things - to a book (it's nearly as hard as a child, believe me), to a church or to a movement. Women give birth to ideas, to creative expressions, to ministries. We birth life in others by inviting them into deeper realms of healing, to deeper walks with God, to deeper intimacy with Jesus. A woman is not less of a woman because she is not a wife or has not physically born a child. The heart and life of a woman is much vaster than that. All women are made in the image of God in that we bring forth life. When we enter into our world and into the lives of those we love and offer our tender and strong feminine hearts, we cannot help but mother them.

The capacity of a woman's heart for meaningful relationships is vast. There is no way your husband or your children can ever provide the intimacy and relational satisfaction you need. A woman must have women friends.

It is here, in the realm of relationship that women receive the most joy and the profoundest sorrows. The friendships of women inhabit a terrain of great mystery. There is a fierce jealousy, a fiery devotion and a great loyalty between women friends. Our friendships flow in the deep waters of the heart where God dwells and transformation takes place. It is here, in this holy place that a woman can partner with God in impacting another and be impacted by another for lasting good. It is here that she can mother, nurture, encourage and call forth Life.

To have a woman friend is to relax into another soul and be welcomed in all that you are and all that you are not. To know that, as a woman, you are not alone. Friendships between women provide a safe place to share in the experiences of life as a woman.

Frustration and Sadness

This post is not targeted at anyone.  It is a general overview of the path my grief has taken.  If you read this and get angry at me, that is your right.  But my goal is not to hurt anyone, but to express my pain.  I don’t want to sound ungrateful.  We received a lot of cards, and I know a lot of people prayed for us.  And we felt those prayers and were very thankful.

Many members of my family are not supportive.  No one in my family (in-laws and immediate) except my sister and daddy ever say John Preston’s name.

Many of my previous friends weren’t supportive.  No one gave me hand-made, thoughtful gifts - no one gave me gifts period after John Preston died.  No one ever visited his gravesite after his burial. 

But the average joe is clueless, and a lot of them want to stay that way.  And although I can’t really blame them, it still hurts, it still makes me angry and it still makes it an extremely lonely grief. 

I will tell you this…the friends who did / do support me, the friends who did stick around, the family members who do mention John Preston’s name…they will ALWAYS be important to me, and I will NEVER forget what they have done for me.  I won’t list them here, even though I would love to.  But it isn’t because I would hurt someone’s feeling who didn’t support me, but because I might forget to list someone who did.  Not that I have forgotten them, but I might not think of them right this minute.

Sometimes I get really jealous of my friends who received gifts for their angel babies.  Handmade gifts, purchased gifts, donations, memorials, people visiting the grave sites.  The only thing that we got from anyone when John Preston died was a Christmas ornament at a memorial service that the funeral home performed for all the families who had lost someone buried by them during the year of 2008.  My sister and niece and nephew made donations to St. Jude’s in memory of him.  That’s it.  Nothing else until his 3^rd birthday this year from the board members of CrossHeart Ministries.

This is why it is so important to find a group like CrossHeart Ministries.  The women I have met there understand my grief over the loss of my son.  Many of them will never understand the emptiness that sometimes stretches out before us as a life without children.    But they understand and validate that I have a son, that I am a mother, that my child was REAL, that he IS real, and that just because he is not here on earth with me doesn’t make him any less important than the children who are here on earth with their parents.

I wrote this not long ago to some of my friends after my first Grief Share session:

“One of the things that hit me was that in the midst of grief you find things to be grateful for. One of the things brought up was that as much as you hate to make friends this way, when you find people who have been through what you have been through, strong relationships are built on those shared experiences. And that is so awesome.

BUT, something I find even more amazing and to be honored and admired is this: the friends that haven't been through it, and don't totally know, but that stick around and suffer through it anyway because of their love and their empathy for the friend who is. It is easy for me to sit and listen endlessly to someone whose mom died when they were young because I relate to that, I understand that, I can empathize with it. It is much harder (and close to impossible) for me to sit and listen to someone who has lost their right arm. I don't understand that. I might think ‘why don't they just learn to use a prosthetic?’, or ‘why don't they just learn to write with their left hand?’.  I don't understand the struggle that goes with that loss.. It would take ALOT for me to have the patience and the empathy and the energy to sit and listen to that person hurt and cry and bemoan their loss.

But those rare friends that haven’t been through what I have been through, still sat and listened to me cry, yell, talk, analyze, complain, whine, holler, pat myself on the back, criticize myself, criticize others, etc., etc. for hours and hours and hours on end without one complaint and with lots of understanding and patience and empathy and tears. I have made John Preston a huge part of my life, as I believe I should have. But it has cost me friendships because not everyone had that patience and empathy and they got tired of the John Preston Saga.

Not those friends. Nothing I have ever done deserves that kind of devotion and commitment. Only God sends that type of blessing to mere humans.

I am so thankful to those friends from the depths of my grief, pain, joy and heart. I selfishly cannot imagine my life without them, and can't ever possibly repay such devotion, love and selflessness as they showed me.”

TOTAL SUCCESS!!! A Walk to Remember will not be forgotten.

Saturday, October 8 WAS a walk to remember. We had over 100 people attend and walk. Over 65 balloons were released for all the sweet angel babies. It was a perfectly beautiful day, with a light cool breeze and sunshine at a beautiful park. I personally was suprised, overjoyed and intensely touched that my cousin, Murray, and his wife Jaime and my cousin, Melody, and her husband Brad attended along with my Uncle Leon who led the opening prayer for our ceremony. My other cousin (their brother), Michael and his wife Darla lost a baby girl over 10 years ago, and I was honored that Melody released a balloon for my little angel cousin, Hope McKenzie.

It was a bittersweet day in that it is overwhelmingly sad how many people need support, but healing and thrilling that they allow us to provide support for them!

I wasn't able to take any pictures, but Torrie from Seavers Photography took alot, and my friend Peggy Haguewood took a few of my family. Here are a few...

Our banner!

Releasing John Preston's balloons.

Tiffany releases balloons for several LAMBS who couldn't attend!

We're in it together...

In the forefront are our friends Tiffany and Brenden; in the center is my friend and co-worker Lani, who released a balloon for her angel baby sister, Vickie Lynn.

Robin releases balloons for her 10 Baby Crosses, and for John David, her son.

The CrossHeart Team (from left):
Amy, Robin (our fearless leader), me, Ashley, Tiffany and Molly

So many families affected!

Jimmy Ray and I led the walk for John Preston!

My little family...

My friend Lisa, who sponsored the set-up fee for our shirts, and her dad.  Her mom took the picture!

My Uncle Leon and my cousin Melody and me!