I told my story to a group of young women at a Hopeful Hearts luncheon this past Saturday, May 12, 2012. Hopeful Hearts is a great ministry, similiar to our CrossHeart Ministries. Hopeful Hearts is a support group for women dealing with infertility and child loss. We hope to work more and more with them in the future as each of our ministries grow. Anyway, here is what I shared with these young ladies.
If you are like me, when you were a little girl you dreamed that one day you would marry your knight in shining armor, and you would live in a little white house with a little white picket fence and you would have 10 kids running around on your perfectly manicured lawn. Well I live 99% of that dream. Although my knight in shining armor turned out to be a redneck dairy farmer in overalls, and since I have a black thumb, the only thing manicured in my lawn are weeds. I do live in a little brick house with a white picket fence, and my knight is ridiculously close to perfect. And I do usually have 4 or 5 kids running around in my yard. So what is the missing 1%? None of those kids running around in my yard are mine. We don’t have children – and this isn’t by choice.
I know the story that I am about to tell you will at first sound like your worst nightmare. I know this because I know the majority of the women here today have come because your heart’s most desperate desire is to have children. But bear with me because it does have a 99% happy ending.
My husband is Jimmy Ray - yes he does have 2 first names, yes he is from Mississippi, and yes he is a real live dairy farmer. Jimmy Ray and I tried for over 10 years to have a baby. We saw Dr. Ke and found that Jimmy Ray was perfectly healthy and so was I – except I didn’t ovulate. They call that unexplained infertility. Thanks, that really helps. We did not feel that adoption or fertility treatments were right for us, for private reasons of our own. (And by the way – please note: deciding to adopt, to try IVF, IUF or infertility drugs or any other viable way to have children is a personal decision. Regardless of what people feel they have a right to say to you about it, do what YOU think is best, without feeling you have to justify it to anyone besides yourself and your spouse.) That doesn’t mean that having children wasn’t the thing we wanted most in the world or that we necessarily chose not to have kids. But we finally came to terms with the fact that for some reason, it was not in God’s plan for us to have children, and so we focused on helping other people’s children when we could. We are the favorite aunt and uncle (mostly because we give the best gifts), we are always available for babysitting, we love St. Jude’s and we are invested in helping families who for one reason or another are not able to provide for the needs of their children. We were at peace with that and believed that we were following the path God laid out for us.
Then less than a month before our 12th anniversary, on June 28, 2008 we got the biggest shock and blessing of our lives. I found out I was THREE months pregnant. I hardly had any noticeable symptoms, other than what I thought was one missed period, which at 39 was not that odd for me. I threw up one time, and on a lark bought a pregnancy test. HA! My doctor thought we were morons, but honestly, it never ONCE crossed my mind that I might be pregnant. In 12 years, we had used not one iota of birth control.
Since we found out at 12 weeks and since that is the “safe” time to tell folks, we did so with a bang. I had been having stomach problems for a time even before I got pregnant and my dad knew about that. So we met him for dinner one night and I took his hands and very seriously I said “Daddy they finally figured out what was wrong with my stomach.” He looked worried and maybe a little frightened until I said “There’s a baby in there!” Then we told Jimmy Ray’s family by sending our dog, Foxy, into my mother-in-law’s house with a note attached saying “I’m getting a new brother – and not the puppy kind.” There was much rejoicing. To celebrate, we took a mini “last chance for romance / 12 year anniversary trip” and mostly shopped for baby stuff the whole time. I have a picture of me sitting at my desk at work 2 days after we returned, and I am just smiling bigger than life. That was the last time I smiled and was truly happy for a long time. The next day we went for our 4 month check-up and found that our miracle baby had no heartbeat. Our perfect, tiny son, John Preston Sloan, was born sleeping on August 2, 2008. I won’t go into details about the emotional and physical pain of giving birth to a baby you will never take home, because I know most of you here have suffered through similar pain. Suffice it to say, that was the worst day of my life, and for over 2 years after that I was a complete and total mess.
For me, not having children was sort of a double whammy. One - my mom died from colon cancer when I was 15 – This came at a time in my life when I was at that age where you typically thought your parents were idiots and didn’t understand and never wanted you to have any fun. The unfortunate result of this was that I didn’t really get to know and become friends with my mom. So not only did I not get to HAVE a mom, I didn’t get to BE a mom. And two - I felt like God had played a majorly cruel joke on me. We had accepted his ‘no children’ verdict, did what we thought He was leading us to do, and then He rewards us with a child only to snatch it away? I was so angry and confused and broken that I could hardly see straight most of the time.
But even though I was pretty angry at God, I still tried to listen. I believe He led me to an awesome therapist (whose name I will gladly share with anyone who is searching for a therapist). My therapist couldn’t take the pain away. She validated my pain, taught me great coping mechanisms and told me I wasn’t crazy. That was huge for me. One of the things I learned from this awesome therapist was “productive grieving”. Turns out, sitting in my closet, in the dark, crying til I wanted to throw up was not productive grieving.
And of course, another thing that was huge for me was the blessing of my husband. I know there may be some of you today who do not have a husband who understands your grieving process. Whereas I painfully realize that only some of us have the blessing of hope that we will still have children, I also realize that only some of us have the blessing of a fully supportive and comprehending husband. But as I said God had given me the most supportive,kind, gentle husband who grieved right along with me. He never thought I should get over it, never thought I should move on, and understood that this was our ‘new normal’.
And then the company I was working for hired Robin Cross. My life hasn’t been the same since. I know God gave her that job for ME. She gave me a care package and then announced that she was starting her organization, CrossHeart Ministries. I volunteered immediately. I had never really felt ‘pulled’ by God to do anything. I tried to do what the Bible told me to do, I tried to do what I thought he would want me to do, but I had never felt that powerful pull to do something specific. This was it though. I was being pulled to CrossHeart Ministries. Talk about productive grieving. I finally had the chance to use my pain (aka experience) to empathize with other women who were suffering the same type of pain I was, and to HELP them!
And, through my brother, God led me to this verse which has been my saving grace through all of my suffering:
From Romans 5:1-5:
Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.
So back to being your worst nightmare. Like I said, I know most of the women here desire children more than almost anything and are doing everything they can to have children. Many of you are still trying naturally, are trying infertility treatments or are pursuing adoption. Like I said before, Almost all of you still have hope of having a child. So you might wonder what message a woman who did not achieve that goal – naturally, with medical help or through adoption, and is now past the hopeful stage in her life - might have to say that would be remotely inspirational.
This is my message. There is life after infertility. I pray with all of my heart that every single one of you is blessed with your heart’s desire and have babies (no matter how you get them!). If God has another plan for you, if his answer for children for you is no, it will be a long, hard, uphill trail to healing. But with Him, you will find peace. I would give anything to have a child, but knowing I won’t, MY life after infertility means the following things:
I am a mother. My son is just not here on earth, but someday I will see him again.
I am a wife. I have a relationship with my husband that is solid and fun and interesting and loving and committed.
I am a sister and a daughter and an aunt and a niece and a cousin. I am blessed with an incredibly loving family – immediate and in-laws.
I am a lifeline. With CrossHeart Ministries, I believe I have found my purpose and I am chasing it with all of my heart.
I am a friend. I pray for, help, support, give, take, love and respect the many friends I have been blessed with in my life.
I am a contributing member of society. I give 110% to my job, I love to interact with people, and I am a creative and intelligent being.
I am a believer. I believe in the goodness of people and until they run over me with a truck, I believe that 95% of them are inherently good because God made us all in His image.
I love life. Even though there were times over the past 3 years that I wasn’t sure, I know that I want to live and experience life in all its glory – the joy, the pain, the tears, the laughter, the love.
I am loved - by my husband, by my family, by God.
I am His child. No matter where I go, no matter what I do, no matter who I am - He will find me and love me and comfort me.
Even though I hope you don’t have to live it, there is life after infertility. It is still worth living. And it not only gets better, it actually gets good.
I am still in a bit of shock. But along with my friend and co-LAMBS, Katie, and at her house, I recently co-hosted a shower for another friend and co-LAMBS, Tricia. NOTE: a B-A-B-Y shower. Not only did I GO to a baby shower (which I have only done ONCE in the past 7 years and NEVER since losing John Preston) I HOSTED it. I bought decorations. I thought of cute baby sayings. I shopped on-line baby stores. I bought pink stuff. I bought baby stuff. I sat with 7 other women who HAVE children for 2 hours. Here's the real kicker. I ENJOYED IT. Yes, there were some moments when my dropped to my feet momentarily. Yes, there were awkward moments where I felt a little lonely and left out (not because of anyone else's actions of course). But over all, it was fun working with Katie on decorations and gifts and food. It was fun seeing Tricia's face light up over all the gifts and all the decorations. 
